Breastfeeding is lonely

With my firstborn, I never breastfed exclusively. It was simple – my supply never met the demand and right from day 1, family offered to buy and make formula. Being a first-time mum, I didn’t have the courage to refuse and went along (what would I know???) We continued with that so I stopped nursing and pumping very quickly.

With my second, it was the usual drill. At the hospital, they encouraged mums to breastfeed and I did so for the first feed, the second, the third, the fourth, the second day, the first week, the first month, and now I’ve been breastfeeding (expressed) for my second born exclusively for almost two months.

My second born never latched on well so I pump and feed expressed milk instead. Pumping is almost like a full-time, 24/7 job. I pump every three hours and for some strange reason, three hours pass by a lot quicker than you would think. Many times I pumped and am proud of a good supply. I sterilise the bottles and things, put on some water to boil, tidy a little here and there, and before I know it, it is time to pump again. All that in between juggling the cries (and laughter) of both babies.

It’s no new news that caring for a newborn is tiring. You would think doing everything a second time becomes easier but no. Each time I experience something difficult (think pulling hairs, sleepless nights, crying into the moonlight…) and I wonder, “Did I really go through this too the first time?”

Back to the pumping.

It’s like clockwork, having to plan my schedule a little around pumping times. Sometimes I miss a pump, or delay it a little, and that’s ok. I never manage to wake up for the 2am pumps and sometimes when my supply drops a little I start blaming myself for missing those. But at the end of the day, I know I am doing my best, and I have to adjust my own expectations. What’s the worst that can happen? Some spilled milk, engorged boobs, but nothing some tissue and another round of pumping cannot fix.

I know that everything will be ok.

Getting unstuck

Earlier in the year, I drew up a plan for myself.

There were so many things I wanted to pursue – mindfulness teacher certification, yoga teacher training, starting my own venture, etc.

On the side, I was also looking to expand my family. We always wanted more children and we were blessed with news of our second baby arriving at the end of this year.

Naturally, some of these plans I had were shelfed. Don’t get me wrong – I am thankful for all that is happening, but when things go out of whack, don’t you find yourself asking ‘what am I doing with my life?’

It doesn’t help that there are people around me who cast a dark cloud over me and loom around like a persistent shadow. It’s not any fault of theirs, but sometimes there are relationships in life that are hard to reconcile. I’m still working on not letting that affect me. It’s tough and everyday is a concerted effort to improve those relationships step by step.

In challenging times, my husband always reminds me that everything happens FOR us. He is a lot kinder, generous and open-hearted than I am and at times like these, I marvel at his positivity. At the same time, I know I have so much of myself I need to work on and I cannot express how grateful I am to have him to learn from.

I am a work in progress. In spite of all that happens, I am reminded to be grounded and grateful.

Lily

In memory of popo

I was at a sushi restaurant when I got the news
I made calls with bated breaths
Unsure if what I heard was true
I tried to get details – how, what, when, why
My mind couldn’t process it
But my body knew instinctively
And started to cry

I searched for memories of you in my mind
The last time I saw you –
What you looked like
What you said
What I promised
But most of all, your gentle spirit

When I was a small girl
You always asked for a kiss on your cheek
I didn’t dare to admit
But I didn’t like to do that
I knew it made you happy
So I did it anyway

When you moved into the Home
Sometimes I hesitated to visit
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see you
Instead I didn’t like the situation you were in
And that I couldn’t do anything about it
Except bring your favourite food
And share the happenings in our lives

The last time I saw you
I had to wear the gown, gloves and masks
So many barriers
In the short distance between us
Your hearing was faltering
So was your sweet voice
But I knew
You were always praying for us

At your memorial I saw your face again
Saw how similar you looked
To your siblings and parents
I think about my last promise to you
And well up because I couldn’t keep it

I heard your life stories
Learnt about your achievements
You never told us
But I was happy and proud
You were so loved
And brought so much cheer and kindness
To all the lives you touched

I miss you
I can’t help but sigh
When I think about your absence
I wish now
All the love you gave
Will be all that you receive

Cultivating Space

I started the 8-weeks Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy course recently and something the teacher said one class stuck with me for a while.

“Mindfulness is about cultivating space. People feel overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions because they don’t have space.”

Through the pandemic I’ve grown to become more aware of my personal physical space. If someone goes too close on the train, or two sniffs away from my hair in a queue, a momentary rush of dread runs through my mind and I take a step away.

Space. Not just physical space, but mental space.

What the teacher said lingered at the back of my head, but I could never quite articulate why it nagged at me. Sure, I resonated with what she said. But what then?

It wasn’t until last night that I was fully able to articulate why it rang so true in my heart.

I noticed myself getting frustrated at some things happening at home, and the hubby noticed the tense energy around me. Kind-heartedly he asked if something had happened in the day. I knew he came from a good place. But I was not going to brush that unpleasant feelings aside, as I always did.

Finally, what the teacher said clicked in my head and over dinner, I explained.

People feel overwhelmed because we don’t have the space to let these negative emotions and thoughts sit. We let them sit so they lose their power over us. If we try to ignore or suppress them, they will keep trying to knock on our doors.

I illustrated with an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle represents our most real, truthful self, devoid of the unpleasant emotions and thoughts. The area between the inner and outer circle is where all these negative things sit. We let them sit there, so they don’t try to get into the inner circle.

When we practice breathwork, or any mindfulness practice, we grow that space between the inner and outer circle. With more practice, we get more mental space. We realise that we are not our thoughts and emotions.

Just allowing, and letting be.

I’m prioritising me

This year, I resolve to be more intentional in all that I do. Be it in work, in relationships, in my hobbies, in mindset, in the food I eat, and how I spend my time, I am determined to cut out toxicity.

For a long time, I held on to certain friendships, ideas, and mindsets but I think it is time to change.

As I get older, I realise that I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to deal with matters that are not important to me, or don’t allow me to be the best version of myself. I look forward to many more nourishing moments and less depleting ones.

So, this year, I am prioritising me.

I know this will come at a cost – I may lose some friendships, I may have less time for daily routines, I may be slower at certain tasks but I am doing what truly nourishes me.

And if someone tells me I shouldn’t be doing this, I’ll pray and send them loving kindness. I only hope their hearts are open to receiving all the goodness and love in the world.

Convos overheard #24

“Drinking peppermint tea is not therapeutic at all,” -a colleague on the therapeutic effects of tea

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“It’s not messy. It’s… laid out aggressively.” -Kevin O’Leary on the organised chaos in his house

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“There is magic in the air at 5am” -Robin Sharma

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“Why does she want this man?” -says the small boss when big boss wants her man featured

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“I stopped drinking for good already. I only drink for bad.” -what do you drink for?

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“A bad day for the ego is a good day for the soul” -and often, the ego gets in the way

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A cup of tea

Few mornings ago, like most mornings, I started my day with a cup of tea in the office. I decided to add some honey (a gift from Christmas) and given my past experience drinking honeyed teas, I added two heaped tea spoons so I could really taste the honey.

I was really not expecting much from the tea but this cup in particular, surprised me.

I was able to taste the sweetness of the honey, the fruitiness from the tea and the warmth from the mug. It was a truly multisensory experience. I can’t remember the last time I felt such joy just drinking a warm cup of tea.

Everyday after that, I found myself thinking about that particular cup of tea, each time I made a new cup. The experience of that first cup was so pleasant, just thinking about it makes my insides sing and adds a skip to my step.

How simple happiness comes, if and when we open our hearts to receive it.

That’s my goal for the year – to find my honeyed cup of tea in everyday.

What’s your honeyed tea for 2022?

What’s your good news of the day?

Increasingly, I feel myself getting emotionally dragged into articles I read.

How could he/she do that? Omg did that really happen? NO, not again?

Then, I find myself feeling indignant or injustice for the victim.

But, one day, I had enough. It was the same types of news reported over and over and over again – sexual assault, family abuse, war of words between public figures and netizens.

I wondered why negative news attract so much more eyeballs and attention then the real goodness in this world.

So I googled ‘good news today’ and I read about acts of kindness and compassion, and encouraging messages that often lack the recognition they deserve.

I was very inspired by a Tedx talk by Dewitt Jones, about celebrating the right things in life.

And so I challenge you, to celebrate a right in your life, every day.

hello again

I remember clearly that when I was setting my goals for 2021, one of them was to write on this blog more often. It’s fast approaching June and this is only my first post in 2021. I guess goals do change after all.

It’s not that I forgot about this – in fact I logged in many times, attempted to formulate my thoughts into words and sentences but they always fell short of what I wanted to say. So it was always delete and log out.

The past 6 months have been such a rollercoaster. At times, I wanted to vent all my frustrations here, but the no one wants to read another pity story on the net. At times, I wanted to write of the simple joys I had for the day, but perhaps they were too personal. I wrote them in my diary instead.

For some reason, today seems like the perfect day to write this. To let go of the self-censorship and type whatever comes to mind.

As I type this, my gut tells me this is where I should stop writing for the day. It’s not much but that’ll do. Sometimes what we all need is a simple this is enough.

2020 things

It’s been a while since I wrote here.

Like everyone else, there’s something of approaching the end of the year that induces a reflective, pensive mood. Hence, this post.

And who would disagree? This year has thrown every expectation and plan out the window. We’ve all had to make adjustments some way or another but at the end of the day, we’re here together.

The idea of this post swirled around in my mind for a couple of weeks now. How can I summarise 2020 into a blog post?

Similar to what I did before, I’ll attempt to describe the year in 12 words – one for every month. Let’s get started.

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January – Discovery

I started a new full-time job at the beginning of the year and it was an industry I never thought I would be in. It was daunting having to process so much information, work with a larger team and balance my social life. At times, I yearned to be alone because being around too many people expended a lot of my energy. Thankfully, I took it in my stride and took time for myself whenever needed.

February – Exploration

I delved deep into different topics that are uncomfortable for many. Self-image, self-esteem, intimacy, expectations in a relationship, even the birds and the bees. There aren’t full stops to these conversations. They have to be ongoing conversations as we learn to accept ourselves for who we are and realising that #iamenough.

March – Detox

A technology detox, I mean. In March, I started a tech detox once every week where I left my phone aside for the whole day and not touched any social media. In the beginning I felt constant pressure to fill my time but gradually, things just filled my time naturally. Whether it was reading, watching a movie with my siblings, or drawing, time passed and I felt so much more well-rested both physically and mentally. It’s a habit I still carry with me till today.

April – Longing

We went into circuit breaker and momentarily, family members couldn’t meet, lovers couldn’t embrace and friends couldn’t catch up. Everyone plunged into Netflix party and online meetings became the latest trend. We all had to stay physically apart but deep down, we all craved a little human touch. This month, the ego hit me hard and filled me with lots of doubt… of myself and the future.

May – Routine

In May, my colleagues and I were given orders to stay in a hotel for the month because of the virus. I was dreading it because I always want to be physically close to my family. Others would rather be alone but not me. Thankfully, due to the strict routine I had to stick to, I developed a healthy daily regime. Breakfast, work, exercise, dinner, nightly reflections and calls with my loved ones. I had to be alone in the hotel room but the amount of love and concern I received touched my heart deeply.

June – Restart

People started going back to work in their offices, children went back to schools, albeit with a more cautious note in the air. I also looked forward to meeting friends again, though it weighed heavily on my mind if this year was ever going to end……

July – Health

There were a few health scares among loved ones this month, with multiple trips to the doctors. It didn’t help that the virus was still around and each cough or increase in body temperature created unnecessary fear. Thankfully, everyone is fine. Our health, truly is our wealth.

August – Love

For some reason, there were lots of family dinners and outings. Not that I’m complaining – I treasure every moment I spend with my family! We had many dinners out, shopping escapades and impromptu meet-ups. Even if it were just a simple meal with the family, it would have sufficed. Being in the presence of your loved ones just creates a different energy don’t you think?

September – Ego

I was hit with an unusual amount of ego every other day. I was constantly questioning myself – Am I good enough? What if they don’t like you? Who do you think you are? – many doubts crept into me and unfortunately, some times it got the better of me. I felt very lousy about myself and I had to constantly remind myself to be compassionate to myself, and that this too shall pass.

October – Surprise

What a month this was. I was faced with unexpected challenges and for the first time, had to confront myself and question myself the intentions of everything I did. I always believed in letting nature take its course but when things really start snowballing, how do we handle them?

November – Anticipation

It was a high-stress month – at work and in personal life. There were several exciting things coming up at year-end. I anticipated new changes and challenges, and yet, I struggled to leave behind what I found comfort in the most.

December – Adjustments

Highlight of the year – I got married to the love of my life! I love that we get to spend the rest of our lives together but along with this commitment comes the whole process of adjustment that no one talks about. Having to accommodate new family members and habits, spending less time with the people I grew up with 24/7, and finding a brand new routine. Why didn’t anyone talk about all these?

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All in all, 2020 was such an unexpected year. I can’t believe it’s coming to an end. Wherever you are, I hope you take the best of 2020 and bring it into 2021 with a stronger heart, mind and body.

Sending you lots of love, xx.